This morning I was scrolling through my feed on Reddit and came across an interesting topic. The question was “What is the Greatest American Band?”
Wow. That’s a head-scratcher! Lots of comments, and things got a little snarky, as Reddit often does. Nonetheless, a lot of people made good cases for a variety of bands – some bands I hadn’t even thought of. But it got me thinking, how does one “rank” such a thing? The number of songs and/or albums on the charts? The amount of radio play? Record sales numbers? Duration of the band? Cultural significance? Innovation? Influence on artists that came later? All valid touch points to be sure, but what makes them great? And of all the greats, who is the greatest?
For example, the Grateful Dead were mentioned by a LOT of people. Now, I’m not a huge fan of them, but I grew up with them as a constant feature on FM radio. And I did see them live at least half a dozen times, quite possibly more, and Dead shows were unlike anything I’d seen before, or since. There is a small army of people whose lives revolved around that band, some of them for decades. Their music is drawn from folk, bluegrass, C&W, jazz and rock and roll- all very American stuff. Their cultural significance cannot not be overstated. That being said, their albums didn’t make much of a mark on the charts. You didn’t see them on variety shows or American Bandstand or the like. They got on MTV very, very late into their career. A strong contender, but are they the Greatest American Band?
Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers were another widely recognized band up for consideration. Their music, from beginning to end just oozed Americana. Honestly, these guys tick a LOT of boxes. Longevity? From the late 70’s through 2017. Albums and singles on the charts? Check. MTV video awards? Check. Influence? Absolutely, undoubtedly. Radio play and MTV? Every day for decades. Influential? Check. Die-hard fans? Yep. Heck, they even got a star on Hollywood Boulevard! As a fan of theirs since the very beginning, I’d certainly lean their direction in voting them in for the Greatest American Band.
But then somebody brought up Van Halen… OK, stop the presses. While Van Halen didn’t exactly tear up the charts with their albums, you couldn’t listen to rock radio from 1977 until… yesterday? without hearing a Van Halen song. David Lee Roth, while not the world’s strongest vocalist, is widely considered to be one of the greatest showmen to ever grace a stage. He was kinda the standard by which all others were judged for a very long time. And Eddie? Good grief, the man REDEFINED rock guitar and inspired tens-of-thousands of kids to beg their parents for a guitar. His innovation with the guitar hardware even, is unparalleled. He became a living legend with the release of their DEBUT album, and then kept getting better! One could argue the entire “hair metal” genre wouldn’t have even existed were it not for the influence of early Van Halen. And while you might think the world would be a better place without hair metal, that is a magnitude of influence unmatched in rock and roll. The kind of influence that might garner the title of Greatest American Band.
Then there were dozens of others, from the Beach Boys (whom I LOVE) to the Eagles (whom I generally loathe) to Lynyrd Skynyrd (I like a lot of their stuff but wouldn’t say I love any of it) and a bunch more that all had some outstanding qualities, but I would never have considered the greatest… Credence Clearwater Revival, the Doors, both the Allman AND Doobie Brothers, R.E.M., the Ramones…it was an impressive list of impressive bands, to say the least.
I guess when you boil it all down, there really is no “greatest band”, American or otherwise. It’s really subjective and in the ear of the beholder. But what I can say, with all sincerity, is that we Americans have been absolutely blessed with a plethora of amazing, supremely talented bands and decades of awesome music. Our country has produced some of the most innovative bands the world has ever known. And we often take that for granted.
For the record, the very first band that popped into my head when I first read the question was Stone Temple Pilots… Ok, I hadn’t had my morning coffee yet, so cut me some slack. I hadn’t taken all the touch points into account. After more consideration (and caffeine!) I came to the realization that STP might possibly be my favorite American band, but they had stood on the shoulders of Giants, who certainly would be worthy of the title more than them. But after careful consideration I have come to the conclusion that there really is no such thing as a Greatest when it comes to music. But as long as musicians are out there trying to be the greatest, all of us with ears to listen are the true winners!
Thanks for stopping by! Now, go listen to something!!
Sheesh, it’s been a year already since I posted about putting this Blog on indefinite hiatus. I cannot wrap my head around that…
Of course, I didn’t outright quit, but my posts have certainly been few and far between for the last year. But it wasn’t until I received an “On This Day…” kicker from the folks at WordPress that I realized it had been a full year since I made the declaration about putting the writing on hold.
I’m happy to report that things are absolutely better for the Boring Old Man now than they were a year ago. Is everything great? No, not really. But, do I dread waking up in the morning now? No, not at all.
Just a quick little re-cap…
A couple months after that “back burner” post, I landed a new job. I was cautiously optimistic about it, but it was something I desperately needed, so I jumped and hoped for the best. Well, it hasn’t been great. It’s been OK. I’ve certainly had worse. But it’s just OK. The place was in much worse condition than I anticipated, and I expected 3-6 months of heavy lifting to get things where they need to be. I’m now approaching 10 months in, and while the wheels are no longer in danger of falling off, we are nowhere near where I feel we should be. So needless to say, there is a fair amount of frustration swirling around in my head and the internal debate has started up again – should I stay or should I go?!? I’m not a quitter by nature, and I’ve never left a job in less than a year, but I’ve also had trouble knowing when to cut my losses… I’ll just say my eyes are open and I’ll certainly entertain any promising opportunities that may come my way, even if I’m not actively pursuing them. For the moment, anyway.
The new band I joined didn’t last long, and I left the group after a few months, which culminated in one disastrous gig. It was a better-than-nothing band for me, not something I was really interested in, but I had no other prospects at the time so I went ahead and agreed to do it when I was asked to do it. That was my first mistake. My second mistake was not fully engaging. I didn’t really get any artistic payoff from it, therefore I didn’t spend any extra time practicing my craft, trying to be my absolute best. I just did it on autopilot, which made me kinda resent the whole thing. And I honestly overlooked some red flags. For a band to be GOOD, not just OK, there has to be chemistry amongst the players. There was NONE in that band. Especially with the bass player. And for a drummer to not click with the bass player? Nothing could be worse for a band. And it wasn’t just that our playing styles didn’t mesh, every week I grew to dislike him more and more on a personal level. There was just nothing there for me to latch on to. Then we had our first gig. Nothing special, just a bar gig. I had never been so embarrassed being on stage with a group. It was so unprofessional and amateurish that I simply couldn’t get over it. So that was it for me. And I haven’t sat down to a drum kit since. The rational part of my brain says I need to play again to wash that experience out of my hair. But part of me still stings from how bad the situation was, to the point of not even wanting to pick up a pair of sticks again… We’ll see how it goes.
The ol’ truck project hasn’t progressed at all, but she’s still dependable and approaching 335k miles on the clock. I’ve still got a bunch of parts to replace, but between the new job and winter cold and rain, I had no ambition to do so. Hopefully she’ll get some love over the summer!
All in all, my mental health has improved significantly. My physical health is holding out. I’ve been consistent with the gym workouts and getting out into nature for some walks, all positive things. I haven’t set out on my surfboard for quite some time, but the itch is coming on strong. I almost went out yesterday, but plans changed at the last minute and I didn’t make it out. I do expect to be in the water before the month is out however. I simply can’t put it off any longer. It’s kinda like the drumming thing – I can act like I don’t care about it, ignore the equipment right in front of my face, and make up excuses as to why I can’t do it, but ultimately my brain, my DNA, won’t let it go.
The “new” rabbit is still with us, growing like a weed. He’s destructive as can be – don’t let their cute outer shell fool you, rabbits are destroyers of worlds! But he’s also getting more affectionate and he’s got a very funny personality (when he’s not tearing things up!), and he’s just a darn good looking rabbit!
I’ve got some things to look forward to, concert tickets mostly, and a trip to Hawaii at the end of the year for a wedding, so things aren’t as bleak as they’ve been. It’s amazing what a little healing, a little hope and a little fun to look forward to can do for one’s outlook and attitude!
I hope to get back on these pages a little more often over the coming months, and get back to some sort of regularity. Thanks to you all that have stuck it out with me and keep coming back. I appreciate it greatly!
Take care of yourselves out there, and thanks for stopping by!
Today I saw an article stating “several artists” have pulled out of performing at America’s 250th celebration, and I gotta say that news just bummed me out.
I’m not bummed because I was going to attend said celebration. Honestly, I don’t even know where it’s being held, or when. I’d imagine it’s on Independence Day somewhere in D.C., but I haven’t looked into it. The artists mentioned by name – Morris Day and the Time and Young MC – aren’t anyone I’d go to see anyway. (I do actually really like MD and the Time’s music, but I’m in the wrong demographic to attend one of their shows I’m afraid). And with this news I’m sure there will be more jumping on (or off, as the case may be) the bandwagon due to some sort of imagined “protest”. I don’t know who is on the lineup, and that’s not what this is about anyway.
No, what steams my beans is that a lot of people these days equate America to Donald Trump, and that if you support America, you are thereby a Trump supporter and therefore you are a Nazi or a fascist or a pedo-apologist or whatever slur these half-wits are slinging these days.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I do not like Donald Trump. I did not ever vote for Donald Trump. I will, quite frankly, be glad when he’s served his term and we no longer have to live in the shadow of “orange man bad”. But here’s the thing – every single president we’ve had in my lifetime has been a disappointment at the very least. They’ve all done questionable things, some very shady and/or outright illegal and in some instances unconstitutional things. This is in no way unique to Trump. But never before have the masses, and especially not the privileged class, essentially turned their backs on our country due to whomever was sitting in the Oval Office. As a teen, I hated Ronald Reagan and his cozy relationship with the “Moral Majority” kooks, not to mention his outright, blatant lies about the whole Iran/Contra crimes. Then his successor GHW Bush came along, and he was worse. I thought Clinton was gonna be great, but it turned out he was a lying degenerate AND he unleashed that harpie Hillary on us, to add insult to injury. Bush Jr. was an imbecile with daddy issues, whose lies led us into a 2 DECADE war, for no justifiable reason, and cost thousands upon thousands of lives, untold billions in treasure, and left lasting wounds upon thousands of service personnel and their families. I personally know a few of those soldiers, and their lives were torn to SHREDS over that middle east bullshizz, and for what?!? Then along comes Obama. I will freely, and regretfully admit, that I bought Obama’s schtick, hook, line and sinker. The first time around. As much as ol’ Billy Clinton disappointed me, I felt utterly betrayed by Obama and could not in good conscience vote for him in his second term. My list of grievances toward him is long and quite frankly I do firmly believe he and his wife set back racial relations in this country by decades. When Trump got elected the first time, I generally thought the American public had lost their flippin’ minds. (Though, in full transparency, even though I didn’t vote for him, I did appreciate the “thumb in the eye” his election gave to “The Establishment”. It was LONG overdue.) He came across as a clown, and a charlatan. Then the wheels really came off with the ascension of Sleepy Joe Biden. His residency was an absolute embarrassment to the office, which undoubtedly set the stage for Trump 2.0. And we can all see how that’s going… And let’s be honest, the players on deck for the next round??? May God have mercy on us…
To be perfectly clear, I have nothing but scorn and loathing for our administrative state, but I love America. I love the American people. I’m proud of many things we’ve done as a nation, despite some of the ugly things done along the way. I do believe the good outweighs the bad. I still believe in the promise of America, what our founding fathers envisioned for their descendants. I also believe we’ve lost our way. But no philanderers, no charlatans, no two-faced, war mongering bastards are going to make me hate my home. I may not respect the man in the office, but I will alway respect the office. A country is its people, its culture, its values. Not its politicians. Politicians, by and large, are narcissistic parasites and should be treated as such.
I can distinctly remember our country’s Bicentennial in 1976. It was very young, and it was a long time ago, but it left a lasting impression on me. It brought our country together. It was a time of celebration and pride in what our forefathers had built. It didn’t matter what color your skin was, it didn’t matter where you or your parents had come from, it didn’t matter WHO WAS PRESIDENT at the time! No, ALL that mattered was that we were Americans in America celebrating 200 years of our homeland’s existence.
Oh, how all that promise, all that hope and determination for a better life has deteriorated in the last 50 years! This, my friends, is what the whole “diversity is our strength” yahoos have wrought upon our country. Are we stronger as a country now than we were 50 years ago? No, no we are not. Has the plethora of hyphens forced upon our people made us more united as a people? No, they have divided us, further and further away from United, with each passing year. Growing up in California, I had friends from all over the world, in every size, shape, color and denomination you can imagine, but you know what we ALL were? American. Not African-American, not Japanese-American, not Mexican-American or Filipino/ Greek/Tongan/Irish/English-American, just American. And even as kids, we knew, KNEW that we were lucky to be here. That our founding was special, it was different. It was unlike anything the world had ever seen, and there was no other country in the world that had what we had. We were GRATEFUL to be in America. And it showed. It felt good. We were all rooting for the same team. We were brethren.
So for me, hearing that some fortunate souls, who have been blessed with fortune and fame, who have achieved their lofty, special station in life, right here in the good ol’ USA are turning their backs to the same country that GAVE them that status, that gave them the opportunity to grab that brass ring, well…it makes me more than a little angry, and very, very sad.
Yes, life in America can be hard. It can be unfair. It can seem like the odds are stacked against you sometimes. But it also holds immense beauty. There are opportunities for anyone that has the guts to step up to the plate and take a swing. There is kindness and empathy and a neverending desire to innovate and to make the world a better place. Our country, our beloved America, is a bountiful place, and should be revered and cherished.
If you turn your back on all that because you don’t like the guy currently sitting in the big chair, or worse, because you are afraid of what theInternet might have to say about you supporting and celebrating your own country, then I’m sorry for you. That is a sad, pathetic excuse for an American.
This coming Independence Day marks 250 years of the greatest experiment in human civilization ever seen, and you are fortunate to be part of it. Show some respect for your ancestors, show some appreciation for the opportunity you have, show some gratitude. If you can’t find something to be proud of as an American, then you aren’t truly an American. I’ve had enough of the celebrity pouting and hissy fits. They should be thanking their lucky stars they get to perform or make art for a living, rather than working double shifts at the local factory, or waiting tables or worse. You were given an opportunity to celebrate your COUNTRY you morons, you weren’t asked to celebrate a single man you most likely disagree with.
For the screeching weasels out there, yes I am proud to be an American and feel extraordinarily lucky to have this country as my home. Nothing you say or do will ever convince me otherwise. If you and your ilk would shut yer yaps for a minute, maybe try to be a productive citizen instead of tearing down everything that hurts your feelings, you might come to find there is plenty to celebrate in our lands.
Ok, that’s enough for tonight. I really try to not rant and rave here, but I’m just sick to death of all the anti-American nonsense being spewed at us left and right, . We will survive Trump. We will survive the next idiot that takes his place. We’re American, that’s what we do. Against all odds, we prevail. Stand up and be proud, your future will be better for it.
I’ve been making a concerted effort to avoid as much of “the news” as possible, but the last couple weeks with elections going on, I couldn’t help myself. I don’t know why I do this to myself. It’s not like my knowing is gonna make anything better or worse, all it does is make the blood boil and take my hope in humanity down a couple notches.
These memes here pretty well sum up my feelings on our current state of affairs. But hey, it’s the weekend and the sun is out, so things could be worse, right? Right!?!?
Best wishes to y’all out there. Stay safe. Practice situational awareness. Start recognizing patterns. Know your exits. Avoid crowds. Make peace, make amends. A troubled soul is a heavy burden to carry around. Do what you can to shed some of that weight while you still can. A grudge holds no value, and regret is far too costly. The world is a crazy place, and it doesn’t seem to be getting any less crazy as the days tick by… Summer is right around the corner and traditionally Summer is when things really let loose. I think this one’s gonna be a doozy.
And to any mothers who unwittingly stumbled across my little space here, Happy Mother’s Day to you. None of us would be here without you all, so blessings to all of you!
Last night I was unwinding after dinner and scrolling through YouTube when I came across a young-ish lady doing a reaction video for the song “Time Stand Still” by Rush. Lately I’ve been getting a kick out of seeing the younger gen’s reaction to classic rock songs, but the ones featuring Rush I find are particularly entertaining. That band seems to absolutely blow the minds of everyone under 40, and it’s fun to see. It reminds me of hearing them for the first time as a kid. I can still remember the first time I heard “Tom Sawyer” – it was the summer between 7th and 8th grade for me – and I was forever changed that day.
Out of curiosity, I clicked on the vid wondering what this youngster was going to think of this particular tune. I’ve watched a number of Rush reaction videos, but I’ve never seen one for that song. I don’t think I’ve even heard that song in a few decades. After the first measure of the song I was transported back in time…
When that record came out, I was 18 or 19, I can’t exactly recall. At the time I was working delivering pizzas (back when that was pretty much the only food you could get delivered to your door!) and just having the time of my life. I had a great group of friends, I was doing exceptionally well with the ladies, my band was picking up steam getting some radio play, a few write ups in the local weekly paper and good gigs, I was going to see other bands play or going out dancing a couple nights a week, going to parties, just living life like only a teenager with no real responsibility can. A lifetime of untold possibilities lay ahead of me. And eating all the pizza my heart desired! My “delivery van” was exactly that – a 1968 Dodge A100 van, with the old dependable slant-6 and 3-on-the- tree which I had outfitted with a cassette deck, a pair of speakers in the front doors and two 6×9 speakers in the back and that setup would sing! But I digress…
Anyhow, back to Rush…
I remember having that album on repeat (it was an “auto-reverse” cassette deck after all!) as I was driving around delivering pies until I nearly wore the cassette out. While no one would argue that was their best record, it was their latest at the time and I was a huge fan of the band so naturally I had to absorb every note, every rhythm, every drum fill. But what I never really paid any attention to was the lyrics.
Side note: I never really pay attention to lyrics. There are exceptions of course, but to my ears singing registers as a type of melodic percussion, like a piano or a xylophone would, and it really doesn’t matter to me WHAT they’re saying. Which is kinda ironic, as I wrote lyrics for my bands for a decade or more and but with rare exception I don’t really care for strictly instrumental music…
Now, this particular “Reactor” was really focused on the lyrics of the song and spoke at great length about them, dissecting the meaning, etc., and I gotta tell ya, the words to that song hit me like a ton of bricks. After the initial flashback I had hearing the music, the words – that I’d never paid any attention to over several hundred plays nearly 40 years ago – it was like my entire adult life flashed before my eyes.
I can understand why they’d be meaningless to a teenager. There is no context, no life experience to give meaning to the words. But as a Boring Old Man?!? Frankly, it was a little overwhelming. If I’m being totally honest and transparent, it made me “feel a certain way” as the kids say. It wasn’t just nostalgia. It made me look at my life through a completely different lens. It hit home. Hard.
Maybe it’s just me. Quite frankly my life has been a shit-show these last few years. Untold stresses, aging and ailing parents, job losses, losing friends to illness, or just distance, becoming more isolated, losing the “fire” that made life exciting and just trying to hold it all together without blowing a gasket… And looking back, wondering what that teenager with the old van and the blaring stereo would think of what “the real world” would turn out to be. Not that it’s been all bad, there have been some good times too. Most of them, at least over the last few years, have been recorded for posterity right here on this blog. It’s been an eye-opening experience, totally unexpected and honestly, not all that welcome.
They say growing old ain’t for sissies and I always took that as meaning when the knees go, and your back hurts and you gotta get up to pee in the middle of the night. But the worst pain? That’s gotta be regret. It’s an absolutely brutal affliction. There’s no turning back the clock and undoing what’s been done, and that’s a hard pill to swallow. And time seems to move faster with each and every passing day. As much as we might wish it were so, time cannot stand still.
Now, thanks to Geddy, Alex, Neil, and some random lady on YouTube I’m in a deeply introspective head space, one that I never would’ve guessed could possibly be brought on by a 40 year old, nearly forgotten song.
Life can be strange sometimes…
I turn my back to the wind To catch my breath, Before I start off again. Driven on Without a moment to spend To pass an evening With a drink and a friend
I let my skin get too thin I’d like to pause, No matter what I pretend Like some pilgrim — Who learns to transcend — Learns to live As if each step was the end
Time stand still — I’m not looking back — But I want to look around me now See more of the people And the places that surround me now
Freeze this moment A little bit longer Make each sensation A little bit stronger Experience slips away…
I turn my face to the sun Close my eyes, Let my defences down — All those wounds That I can’t get unwound
I let my past go too fast No time to pause — If I could slow it all down Like some captain, Whose ship runs aground — I can wait until the tide Comes around
Make each impression A little bit stronger Freeze this motion A little bit longer The innocence slips away…
Summer’s going fast– Nights growing colder Children growing up — old friends growing older Experience slips away…
Saturday night, Valentine’s Day evening, I finally got my Christmas present, a night of comedy!
We (the Mrs., our daughter, son-in-law and myself) loaded up the cruiser and hit the road for the Golden State Theater in Monterey,CA. The trip is long-ish, about an hour and a half, but I’d take a trip to Monterey over San Francisco any day of the week!
We’ve been to this particular venue a few times, it’s a nice spot, but this was the first time for a comedy show.
The night opened with Kevin Camia, who we’d never heard of. He was actually pretty darn good. He had us laughing right outta the gate and kept it going throughout his entire set. I’d be more than happy to go see him again.
We’d seen a bunch of video clips of Sheng Wang and the Netflix (?) special he did (“Sweet & Juicy”) a few years ago but this was our first time seeing him live on stage. Let me tell you, this show was worth the wait!
His style is so different from his colleagues and it’s really refreshing. He doesn’t use foul language and he totally avoids the typical crass/vulgar/overtly sexual material or decisive political/racial rants that has (unfortunately) become a mainstay in modern comedy. And yet, he had us in stitches the entire time. At times it was hard to catch my breath I was laughing so hard. And he too kept it up for his entire show. No flops, no dead air, just non-stop hilarity from start to finish.
I’m short, it was an outstanding night of comedy, one of the best we’ve ever attended. If you get a chance to see Sheng Wang, do yourself a favor and GO! You will not be disappointed.
And last but not least, a big thank you to my girls for gifting me these tickets for Christmas instead of more “stuff”! This night will be in my memory banks for years to come!
Color me shocked! I’ve been plucking away at this lil’ ol’ blog of mine since January of 2022 and while I guess you could say my page gets regular views, it’s never been well read or even remotely popular. In 100%, true transparency I will tell you that my daily page views average between 5 and 15. Frankly, sometimes it’s zero. Which considering my lack of consistency in new posts is not at all surprising. If anything, I’m surprised I get THAT many visits.
So you can imagine my surprise when I checked my stats this morning and found that for the first time since I started writing here I surpassed 100 page views in a single day! And almost exclusively from the USA. In the past when I’ve had a spike it turned out most of them were showing up from all over the place, which led me to believe it was either a glitch or someone “phishing” or some such thing. Like, why would anyone in Vietnam or Uzbekistan be interested in what I’m blathering on about?!?
Anyhow, I fully recognize that this is in no way a big deal. I’m not even a small fish in a big pond. More like a single plankton in a global ocean. Nonetheless, I thought it was kinda cool and wanted to document the occasion for myself. If anything this blog is more a “memory-jogger” for myself than anything. But still, I appreciate any and all of you that spend even a moment of your precious time with me.
Have a terrific day, a wonderful weekend and thanks for stopping by!
I know this time of year can be difficult for many. For some it can be excruciating. We shouldn’t need to be reminded to be kind, but often we do. Myself included.
It’s been a rough year, no doubt. In my humble opinion the 2020’s have pretty much been a dumpster fire and we’re only halfway through them. But we can decide for ourselves to put all that aside for a minute and just be grateful. Grateful that we’re still upright. Still drawing breath. Not seeing our friends and loved ones through Plexiglas barriers and mandated face masks.
As hard as life has been – and again, mine is no exception – I still wish for peace on Earth and good will towards mankind. Now is not the time for grievance. Even if you’re not an “observer” of Christmas you can still choose to be kind, to set your differences aside for a moment or two. We’re all in this together and nobody gets out alive, so lets all make the best of it and be good to our fellow humans, shall we?
Thanks for stopping by, and a Merry Christmas to all!
Last week I started a new job. Not that I didn’t enjoy my last one – I very much did – but I simply couldn’t live on what I was making. No shade directed at the former boss/company, I was paid well for what I was doing, it was just that what I was doing didn’t have the same value as my old job(s). The 16 months, give or take, of working a low pressure job was considerably more valuable than the paycheck, but the reality of the situation is that I had no other choice than to get back doing what I do and pull in some additional coin to keep the head above water. My savings is gone, my precious metals sold off, I’m trying desperately to sell off as much musical gear as possible and the wolves are at the door, so to speak. And so here we are…
I’m back in a Director position, running a very large, and very high end property. Thankfully though, I’m no longer in a “Healthcare adjacent” position with mountains of regulations and regulators, and no longer catering to the whims of obscenely wealthy senior citizens. A welcome change, to be sure. Not that this new gig is gonna be easy. I’ve got several months of heavy lifting ahead of me to get this place back in shape.
I’m still in no position to pick up and prioritize the blog here, just dropping this in to keep track of my life as time flies and memories get cloudy…
I am extremely grateful for the new opportunity this job provides, but the personal side of things is very much in shambles still. The struggle is real, as the kids say. The last 5 years had me ground down to a nub. Mentally I have not been “right” for some time, which caused a severe withdrawal from living life. I’ve tried covering it up, the old “fake it til you make it” routine. Throwing band-aids on the situation, like concerts and trips and playing in a band… all those things I thought would “fix” the situation. They did not. All I did was distract myself from the real issues, which were left to fester and infect every other aspect of my life. I buried my head in the sand and soothed myself with “this too, shall pass”, but it didn’t pass. I was doing nothing more than kicking the can down the road. I let things go from bad to worse, to even worse than that. I saw rock bottom fast approaching and just kept throwing band-aids on rather than pulling the ‘chute until I crashed head first into rock bottom.
Don’t get me wrong, I know things *could* be worse. I’m still on the right side of the dirt, I still have all my limbs and I’m not relying on machines or pills to keep me alive. I know there are a lot of people out there worse off than me that didn’t just land a great new job. I’m trying (struggling, honestly) to be grateful for what I do have, to keep my chin up, to climb out of the pit of despair I dug for myself, to keep putting one foot in front of the other ’til I get to where I need to be. It is exhausting and it is bringing every weakness I possess to the forefront.
This is what happens to a man with no direction in life. I chose the path of least resistance, tried to not make waves, to go along to get along and be satisfied with whatever life sent my way. This has proven to be absolute folly on my part. Turns out the path of least resistance is in no way the path of NO resistance, I just let life choose my path rather than forging the path I wanted for myself. I didn’t design my life, I took what was handed to me and tried to make the best of it. Well, that was a lousy plan and I’m currently paying a hefty price for it.
I find myself at an age where I should be secure, where I should feel good about my accomplishments in life, where I should be a pillar of strength for my family, my friends, my community. I’m none of those things at the moment.
In a way I feel like I’m starting over. Which at 57 is NOT where I wanted to be. In a lot of ways it’s worse than when you’re just starting out as there is so much baggage to be carried and sorted out along the way. So many bad habits to correct, so many things to make up for. And so little time left…
There was a quote I read some 3 decades ago, that became my mantra: “It’s never too late to become what you might have been.” I FIRMLY believed that. I had it hung up on my office wall for years. It kept me going through years of ups and downs, it was my shining beacon of hope. But the reality of it is, it IS too late to accomplish many of the things I wanted to do in life. It has been extremely difficult to accept that I “peaked” in my mid-20’s and I’ve just been (barely) treading water for the last 30 years. That when faced with struggle and hardship, I resigned myself to just accept what was and not try harder. Things will work out, I constantly told myself.
Once upon a time I knew – didn’t think, KNEW – that I’d be a renowned drummer one day. I wasn’t after fame, but I wanted to be respected for my abilities in that world. I wanted kids to hear my playing and be inspired in the same way I was hearing all those heavy hitters from my early days. I put in untold hours practicing, over decades, I studied the greats, I developed a style completely unto myself, I put everything I had into it. I was good. Really good. I wanted to discover unknown bands and produce their records, have my own recording studio, maybe even open my own nightclub to help bring new music to world. I once had a dear friend tell a new acquaintance “If you could invest in bands like they were a startup, this guy (me) would make you rich!” I have an “ear” for the next-big-thing… What I got was a failed record deal, a series of boring cover bands that provided ZERO artistic satisfaction, a handful of students I taught and a whole lot of heartbreak and bitterness. And while I still play, my skill level is maybe 60% of what it was when I was truly dedicated to the craft. Now instead of really good, I’m just OK. And considering drumming is the thing I’ve absolutely been best at in my life, what my entire identity was formed around, I’m not OK with that!
I wanted to build my own house from my own designs (which I spent countless hours drafting and refining). My very own homestead where I could raise food, be close to nature and live in peace. Instead I’ve been in a crappy 4-plex for the last 20 years as inflation has far outpaced income and kept me hanging on for dear life.
I wanted to build custom cars that had every detail perfectly aligned with my vision… I had numerous ideas for inventions -nothing earth shattering or life changing necessarily, but what I thought were great ideas that certainly had a marketable value… I’ve started two screenplays and two novels I never finished… This blog here is my 3rd attempt at making something that might speak to someone, and yet I’m floundering here too.
In short, I’ve not really accomplished anything of note.
I spent a lot of time, a large portion of my life, feeling like a victim. Feeling like I was surrounded by bad luck. Like I was misunderstood. Like I “deserved better”. Why? I couldn’t tell you. It wasn’t until a few years ago I finally got to a place where I could accept my own faults. Where I realized that, for the most part, my place in the world had more to do with my bad decisions and either lack of initiative or lack of determination, than with the world being “unfair”. That, my friends, is a BITTER pill to swallow. And I’ve been choking on that bitter pill for a couple years now. I spent a lot of years convincing myself I was special, but when it comes down to it, I’m not. Not really. I’m a dreamer. Maybe in some regards even a visionary, but I let fear of the unknown stop me from giving it my all. I chose “safety” over doing something extraordinary. In the big game of Life it turns out I’m just another cog in the machine. This is NOT how I saw myself and I’m trying to reconcile who I thought I was with who I actually am.
Maybe I had too many interests. Maybe if I had just set my sights on one single thing and pursued it relentlessly things would be different. Maybe I just wanted too much. I didn’t grow up impoverished but we didn’t have much, and it seemed I was surrounded by folks that had so much more. And I wanted some of that life! To have a nice house, cool cars, to take vacations, to provide all the things to my kids that I never had. And sure, lots of people end up with better than they deserve, but it’s my own fault for holding myself up as a victim when that didn’t happen for me. I had no business thinking something great was coming my way, considering where I’d come from. The old saying is you’ve got to play the cards you’re dealt, and unfortunately when life dealt a crappy hand I folded. No one to blame but myself for not drawing more cards until I had a winning hand.
So here I am, rapidly approaching “retirement age”(Ha!!!), not only broke but deeply in debt, savings is gone, no assets but a 25 year old truck and some musical gear that I can’t seem to sell, a crumbling marriage, a strained relationship with my only child due to the marriage problems, and a deep sense of dread that I’ve squandered this life and my gifts. How does one turn that around?
Literally the only bright spot is the new job, which is in a career that chose me rather than vice versa and I only took out of sheer desperation and necessity. Yeah, a 57 year old whore. Let’s just call it what it is.
I’m not sure where I’m going with this. All I’d planned to do was drop a paragraph or two about getting a new job… The rest of it just shot out, stream of consciousness style. Way more personal than I am comfortable with or care to admit, much less “put out there” but maybe the fact that I wrote it means something. I don’t know what, but something. Maybe the reason none of my writing has impacted anyone is because I’ve been so guarded and reluctant to show the “real” me, warts and all. Maybe I need to let go of all that – the pride, the ego, the fear of being found out, and just let my flippin’ guard down for once in my life.
There is a dude on YouTube that got lodged in my algorithm, who is a real smart ass and likes to rip on people a lot for their complaints (deservedly so, more often than not) but one thing he says often is “You’re not allowed to quit”. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve needed to hear that these last few months. Not that I’m considering pushing my own delete button or anything that severe, but sometimes just getting out of bed to face the day ahead has seemed like an insurmountable task.
I realize this is coming off as poor me, self pity crap, though honestly that is not my intent. I’m trying to make sense of my circumstances and find a new path forward. The obstacle I’m facing is the destination. How do I forge a path if I don’t know where I’m going? Clearly, my lifelong goal of being a musician is out of the question, yet I don’t want to stop playing music. My job is too demanding and my personal life in too much upheaval to pursue a “serious” band or project in my spare time and my ego (as deflated as it currently is) won’t allow me to get into schlocky, amateur hour stuff. Good music, like any art, takes time and dedication in addition to skill and talent. And besides, the music business is going (has gone?!?) down the tubes, so even the idea of discovering or producing new bands appears to be a fruitless endeavor. There is simply no money in music anymore. I can pour myself into this new job, bust my hump and be the best I can possibly be, but in the end, it’s just a job. I have no love for the work, I just happen to be pretty good at it. Even if I were to become the greatest facilities director they’ve ever seen, if I got hit by a bus I’d be replaced within a couple weeks and life would go on as if I’d never been there. At this stage of my life, between my age and my financial situation I’ll never own a home, much less build one like I always dreamed of. And at the rate of marital decline, I may end up “living in a van down by the river” rather than even being under the thumb of a landlord.
I’m just gonna say it, my future looks bleak. If I ever needed a miracle or cosmic intervention, it’s now. Right. Now. I’ve seen the error of my ways, I accept responsibility for my many failings, and I’m willing to put in the work, but I NEED a direction. A purpose. I want a life worth living and I hope to leave something worthwhile behind.
I’ve taken a long fall and I have a long way to climb. As the old song goes, “I’ve got a long way to go, and a short time to get there”. It’s not easy reversing a life of bad habits and worse decisions. Reinventing oneself in the twilight years. All I know for certain, is I’m not allowed to quit.
The Boring Old Man 