Jay – Page 2 – The Boring Old Man

Yet Another “New” Start.

Last week I started a new job. Not that I didn’t enjoy my last one – I very much did – but I simply couldn’t live on what I was making. No shade directed at the former boss/company, I was paid well for what I was doing, it was just that what I was doing didn’t have the same value as my old job(s). The 16 months, give or take, of working a low pressure job was considerably more valuable than the paycheck, but the reality of the situation is that I had no other choice than to get back doing what I do and pull in some additional coin to keep the head above water. My savings is gone, my precious metals sold off, I’m trying desperately to sell off as much musical gear as possible and the wolves are at the door, so to speak. And so here we are…

I’m back in a Director position, running a very large, and very high end property. Thankfully though, I’m no longer in a “Healthcare adjacent” position with mountains of regulations and regulators, and no longer catering to the whims of obscenely wealthy senior citizens. A welcome change, to be sure. Not that this new gig is gonna be easy. I’ve got several months of heavy lifting ahead of me to get this place back in shape.

I’m still in no position to pick up and prioritize the blog here, just dropping this in to keep track of my life as time flies and memories get cloudy…

I am extremely grateful for the new opportunity this job provides, but the personal side of things is very much in shambles still. The struggle is real, as the kids say. The last 5 years had me ground down to a nub. Mentally I have not been “right” for some time, which caused a severe withdrawal from living life. I’ve tried covering it up, the old “fake it til you make it” routine. Throwing band-aids on the situation, like concerts and trips and playing in a band… all those things I thought would “fix” the situation. They did not. All I did was distract myself from the real issues, which were left to fester and infect every other aspect of my life. I buried my head in the sand and soothed myself with “this too, shall pass”, but it didn’t pass. I was doing nothing more than kicking the can down the road. I let things go from bad to worse, to even worse than that. I saw rock bottom fast approaching and just kept throwing band-aids on rather than pulling the ‘chute until I crashed head first into rock bottom.

Don’t get me wrong, I know things *could* be worse. I’m still on the right side of the dirt, I still have all my limbs and I’m not relying on machines or pills to keep me alive. I know there are a lot of people out there worse off than me that didn’t just land a great new job. I’m trying (struggling, honestly) to be grateful for what I do have, to keep my chin up, to climb out of the pit of despair I dug for myself, to keep putting one foot in front of the other ’til I get to where I need to be. It is exhausting and it is bringing every weakness I possess to the forefront.

This is what happens to a man with no direction in life. I chose the path of least resistance, tried to not make waves, to go along to get along and be satisfied with whatever life sent my way. This has proven to be absolute folly on my part. Turns out the path of least resistance is in no way the path of NO resistance, I just let life choose my path rather than forging the path I wanted for myself. I didn’t design my life, I took what was handed to me and tried to make the best of it. Well, that was a lousy plan and I’m currently paying a hefty price for it.

I find myself at an age where I should be secure, where I should feel good about my accomplishments in life, where I should be a pillar of strength for my family, my friends, my community. I’m none of those things at the moment.

In a way I feel like I’m starting over. Which at 57 is NOT where I wanted to be. In a lot of ways it’s worse than when you’re just starting out as there is so much baggage to be carried and sorted out along the way. So many bad habits to correct, so many things to make up for. And so little time left…

There was a quote I read some 3 decades ago, that became my mantra: “It’s never too late to become what you might have been.” I FIRMLY believed that. I had it hung up on my office wall for years. It kept me going through years of ups and downs, it was my shining beacon of hope. But the reality of it is, it IS too late to accomplish many of the things I wanted to do in life. It has been extremely difficult to accept that I “peaked” in my mid-20’s and I’ve just been (barely) treading water for the last 30 years. That when faced with struggle and hardship, I resigned myself to just accept what was and not try harder. Things will work out, I constantly told myself.

Once upon a time I knew – didn’t think, KNEW – that I’d be a renowned drummer one day. I wasn’t after fame, but I wanted to be respected for my abilities in that world. I wanted kids to hear my playing and be inspired in the same way I was hearing all those heavy hitters from my early days. I put in untold hours practicing, over decades, I studied the greats, I developed a style completely unto myself, I put everything I had into it. I was good. Really good. I wanted to discover unknown bands and produce their records, have my own recording studio, maybe even open my own nightclub to help bring new music to world. I once had a dear friend tell a new acquaintance “If you could invest in bands like they were a startup, this guy (me) would make you rich!” I have an “ear” for the next-big-thing… What I got was a failed record deal, a series of boring cover bands that provided ZERO artistic satisfaction, a handful of students I taught and a whole lot of heartbreak and bitterness. And while I still play, my skill level is maybe 60% of what it was when I was truly dedicated to the craft. Now instead of really good, I’m just OK. And considering drumming is the thing I’ve absolutely been best at in my life, what my entire identity was formed around, I’m not OK with that!

I wanted to build my own house from my own designs (which I spent countless hours drafting and refining). My very own homestead where I could raise food, be close to nature and live in peace. Instead I’ve been in a crappy 4-plex for the last 20 years as inflation has far outpaced income and kept me hanging on for dear life.

I wanted to build custom cars that had every detail perfectly aligned with my vision… I had numerous ideas for inventions -nothing earth shattering or life changing necessarily, but what I thought were great ideas that certainly had a marketable value… I’ve started two screenplays and two novels I never finished… This blog here is my 3rd attempt at making something that might speak to someone, and yet I’m floundering here too.

In short, I’ve not really accomplished anything of note.

I spent a lot of time, a large portion of my life, feeling like a victim. Feeling like I was surrounded by bad luck. Like I was misunderstood. Like I “deserved better”. Why? I couldn’t tell you. It wasn’t until a few years ago I finally got to a place where I could accept my own faults. Where I realized that, for the most part, my place in the world had more to do with my bad decisions and either lack of initiative or lack of determination, than with the world being “unfair”. That, my friends, is a BITTER pill to swallow. And I’ve been choking on that bitter pill for a couple years now. I spent a lot of years convincing myself I was special, but when it comes down to it, I’m not. Not really. I’m a dreamer. Maybe in some regards even a visionary, but I let fear of the unknown stop me from giving it my all. I chose “safety” over doing something extraordinary. In the big game of Life it turns out I’m just another cog in the machine. This is NOT how I saw myself and I’m trying to reconcile who I thought I was with who I actually am.

Maybe I had too many interests. Maybe if I had just set my sights on one single thing and pursued it relentlessly things would be different. Maybe I just wanted too much. I didn’t grow up impoverished but we didn’t have much, and it seemed I was surrounded by folks that had so much more. And I wanted some of that life! To have a nice house, cool cars, to take vacations, to provide all the things to my kids that I never had. And sure, lots of people end up with better than they deserve, but it’s my own fault for holding myself up as a victim when that didn’t happen for me. I had no business thinking something great was coming my way, considering where I’d come from. The old saying is you’ve got to play the cards you’re dealt, and unfortunately when life dealt a crappy hand I folded. No one to blame but myself for not drawing more cards until I had a winning hand.

So here I am, rapidly approaching “retirement age”(Ha!!!), not only broke but deeply in debt, savings is gone, no assets but a 25 year old truck and some musical gear that I can’t seem to sell, a crumbling marriage, a strained relationship with my only child due to the marriage problems, and a deep sense of dread that I’ve squandered this life and my gifts. How does one turn that around?

Literally the only bright spot is the new job, which is in a career that chose me rather than vice versa and I only took out of sheer desperation and necessity. Yeah, a 57 year old whore. Let’s just call it what it is.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this. All I’d planned to do was drop a paragraph or two about getting a new job… The rest of it just shot out, stream of consciousness style. Way more personal than I am comfortable with or care to admit, much less “put out there” but maybe the fact that I wrote it means something. I don’t know what, but something. Maybe the reason none of my writing has impacted anyone is because I’ve been so guarded and reluctant to show the “real” me, warts and all. Maybe I need to let go of all that – the pride, the ego, the fear of being found out, and just let my flippin’ guard down for once in my life.

There is a dude on YouTube that got lodged in my algorithm, who is a real smart ass and likes to rip on people a lot for their complaints (deservedly so, more often than not) but one thing he says often is “You’re not allowed to quit”. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve needed to hear that these last few months. Not that I’m considering pushing my own delete button or anything that severe, but sometimes just getting out of bed to face the day ahead has seemed like an insurmountable task.

I realize this is coming off as poor me, self pity crap, though honestly that is not my intent. I’m trying to make sense of my circumstances and find a new path forward. The obstacle I’m facing is the destination. How do I forge a path if I don’t know where I’m going? Clearly, my lifelong goal of being a musician is out of the question, yet I don’t want to stop playing music. My job is too demanding and my personal life in too much upheaval to pursue a “serious” band or project in my spare time and my ego (as deflated as it currently is) won’t allow me to get into schlocky, amateur hour stuff. Good music, like any art, takes time and dedication in addition to skill and talent. And besides, the music business is going (has gone?!?) down the tubes, so even the idea of discovering or producing new bands appears to be a fruitless endeavor. There is simply no money in music anymore. I can pour myself into this new job, bust my hump and be the best I can possibly be, but in the end, it’s just a job. I have no love for the work, I just happen to be pretty good at it. Even if I were to become the greatest facilities director they’ve ever seen, if I got hit by a bus I’d be replaced within a couple weeks and life would go on as if I’d never been there. At this stage of my life, between my age and my financial situation I’ll never own a home, much less build one like I always dreamed of. And at the rate of marital decline, I may end up “living in a van down by the river” rather than even being under the thumb of a landlord.

I’m just gonna say it, my future looks bleak. If I ever needed a miracle or cosmic intervention, it’s now. Right. Now. I’ve seen the error of my ways, I accept responsibility for my many failings, and I’m willing to put in the work, but I NEED a direction. A purpose. I want a life worth living and I hope to leave something worthwhile behind.

I’ve taken a long fall and I have a long way to climb. As the old song goes, “I’ve got a long way to go, and a short time to get there”. It’s not easy reversing a life of bad habits and worse decisions. Reinventing oneself in the twilight years. All I know for certain, is I’m not allowed to quit.

Thanks for stopping by.

Well, That Was Weird…

Today I had an unusual experience. Not unusual like an alien abduction or a religious experience or anything fun like that. No, just a wave of nostalgia combined with a shock to the system based on current data and a tinge of a glimpse of a bizzaro world future dystopia.

Where, you might ask, did this odd interconnected experience happen? Why, “The Mall” of course!

As it happened on this fine Saturday, I was running around taking care of various odds and ends, and I happened to have about an hour to kill before my next engagement. It was hot, I needed to take a leak and I just happened to be a few blocks away from a shopping mall, so I figured I’d make a pit stop there rather than find some grody gas station bathroom and sit in my hot (black) pickup for an hour. And who knows, maybe treat myself to an Orange Julius drink – it’s been years!

Now this particular mall, now called “Westfield Valley Fair” has been around a long time. In fact, my personal history with the place goes back to some of my earliest memories as a child, when it was two separate shopping centers (Valley Fair and Stevens Creek Plaza) across the street from each other. The fondest memories of the place were going to the book store there – the book store had TWO floors – and when you’re 4/5 years old, that just seems to be an astounding amount of books! Both my parents read a lot, and often gifted books as presents, so that was a place we frequented. Though to be honest I was so young when we started going there I don’t even know what the name of the place was, we just called it “the bookstore”. The other very vivid memory I have from way back, is taking my paper route earnings, riding my bike the 4 miles or so down to the Macy’s at that mall and buying Levi’s 501 jeans and some store-brand knock-off “Polo” shirts, as it was my intention to re-invent myself as a “preppy” kid going into my Freshman year of High School. Yeah, that didn’t exactly work out for me, turns out lower-middle class kids from the “wrong side of the tracks” don’t exactly fit in that world. But that is a story for another day… I can still remember the 501’s were $12.50 then. The shirts were about 10 bucks. 3 pair of pants and two shirts – one red, one blue – cost me about $60, which is just a little less than I made in a month of schlepping newpapers. It’s weird how things like that stick in your mind. I guess when you’re 14, buying your back-to-school clothes with money you had to earn yourself, you pay more attention to what things cost. This would be the summer of 1982.

Fast forward a couple years and both those shopping centers were bought out by a big company and the place was “re-developed” into one, continuous, two story indoor mall now simply called Valley Fair. It re-opened in 1986 and it was the quintessential 80’s mall. Back then in my general area, which was essentially what we could reach on our bicycles, we had three malls. The one right down the street from my house – Westgate – was known amongst my cohorts as the “dirt mall”. Across town we had Valco, which was the “nice mall”, they had a McDonald’s AND an ice skating rink – the perfect place for kids to hang out back then. (And secretly, I LOVED to go into the Sears there and check out all the Craftsman tools!) But when Valley Fair reopened, it was quickly and decisively known as the “rich mall”. Naturally myself and my friends couldn’t BUY anything there, but we loved to hang out there, ‘cuz that’s where all the cute, rich girls hung out! Later, my bandmates and I would go down there and pass out fliers for our shows and bumper stickers to pretty girls that had “the look” of the type that might like our music… But I digress. I guess what I’m trying to say is I have some really fond memories of the place, going back to maybe 1972 or so.

Then from say 1988 until 2018 I only stepped foot in the place a handful of times, when I was after something very specific from a particular store. Usually a gift of some sort. Around 2020 I was driving by the place and noticed that once again they were doing a massive remodel of the mall, from one end to the other. The construction went on for I’d say at least 3 years. It was a massive undertaking. I hadn’t been there from at least 2018 until this past April, when once again I visited Macy’s to buy a suit for my daughter’s wedding. But at that time, I didn’t actually go in the mall, just Macy’s – in and out. That pretty much covers the nostalgia part of the tale.

Well today since I had an hour to kill, I decided to walk around just to see what the “new” mall is about. Holy. Crap.

As you might have guessed, I’m not exactly the mall type. Other than concerts, for which I will gladly suck it up, I am NOT a “crowds” kinda guy. They set me on edge, big time. And let me tell you this place was PACKED. Like, it’s 12 hours til Christmas morning, packed. It was unreal. And it was literally just a Saturday afternoon in August! I cannot imagine what that place would be like in a holiday shopping rush, but I don’t want to be within 5 miles of there from Thanksgiving til Valentines day!! It was beyond shocking, the sheer volume of people.

And the people? Look, I recognize my hometown (sadly) turned into Ground Zero of Silicon Valley and it’s always been “diverse”, but I’d be grossly exaggerating if I told you 10% of the people there were Anglo. My rough, purely non-scientific, off-the-cuff estimates based on my own observations – keeping in mind I didn’t venture into a single store or restaurant – would say the clientele was 70% Asian of one faction or another (I’m including Indian here), 15% Middle Eastern, 10% Hispanic, 4% Anglo and 1% black. It was wild. I’ve never seen such lopsided “diversity” in one place. And again, not being a mall kinda guy, I was really taken aback by the frenetic pace at which everything was moving. We used to go the the mall to hang out, to chill. There is NO chill left in the place. It reminded me of those crazy scenes you see in the movies of some bazaar in Calcutta or something. Everyone scurrying around, bumping into each other. Security guards evetywhere. And the din? Goodness gracious! It was SOOO flippin’ LOUD in there. The cacophony of dozens of different languages, each trying to be heard over rhe other, was dizzying. Like a mild roar, never ceasing, in the background. It was unsettling to say the least.

But the thing that really blew my mind was the stores in there nowadays. Like I said earlier, it was the “rich mall” even back in the day cuz they had a Macy’s and Nordstroms as opposed to the Sears at the nice mall or JC Penny at the dirt mall, but now it’s become some grotesque monument to consumption that honestly made me wonder if I’d slipped into another dimension. Every name-dropped brand name from every hip hop record in the last decade had a storefront. Gucci, Fendi, Balenciaga, Bvlgari, Burberry, Rolex, Cartier, Prada…the list goes on and on. All kinds of brands and stores I’ve never even heard of. Additionally there were a bunch of clearly Asian stores with names I couldn’t pronounce. I don’t know what to make of a place like that. This is flippin’ San Jose, not Beverly Hills or Manhattan. It was so alien and frankly grotesque to me. That kind of crass consumerism really gives me the creeps. And what really hit me was that earlier that day, less than a mile down the road from all this excess, I’d stopped at a 7-11 for a cup of coffee and had to dodge a homeless dude sleeping on the sidewalk while also being accosted by another for some money to “get something to eat”.

I’ll be the first to admit that I do not “fit in”, I’m one of the least tendy people you’ll ever meet, and not only do I not care about “name brands”, I’ll generally cut the labels off of everything (a holdover from my early punk rock days surely). I simply cannot understand the appeal of this type of “culture”. That so many people are drawn to this spectacle that absolutely repels me just boggles my mind. Hence, the shock to the system.

As for the dystopia? Aa I mentioned, the sheer volume of people and the frenetic pace was almost too much for this boring old man the bear…but what really troubles me is that within a couple miles if this place, in every direction, enormous, soulless housing developments are popping up. I don’t get to this part of town often, and driving around today I was really overwhelmed by how many of these monstrosities were under construction. Traffic around here has been absurd for a long time, wait times for everything from medical appointments to a haircut get worse year after year, the job market is BRUTAL, everywhere is just crowded, the homeless shanty towns are all over the place…and “they” are building thousands of new housing units and packing them in like sardines. I moved to this area just before my 5th birthday and spent my youth running around the orchards and open fields, which were around every corner. Even as things slowly developed, it was still a great place to live and we still had a sense of community. But the last 10 years have been like a runaway train and all this “progress” has turned my hometown into an overcrowded, disjointed, ugly mess with greater and greater disparity between the haves and have-nots, and I fear they’re just getting started. I’m reminded of the old song lyrics “We gotta get outta this place, if it’s the last thing we ever do!”.

And to add insult to injury, the mall doesn’t even have an Orange Julius anymore!

Thanks for stopping by.

This “Green Thing”

Found this on the interwebs and it’s too good not to share:

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older lady that she should bring her own grocery bags, because plastic bags are not good for the environment,.
The woman apologized to the young girl and explained, “We didn’t have this ‘green thing’ back in my earlier days.”
The young clerk responded, “That’s our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations.”
The older lady said that she was right our generation didn’t have the “green thing” in its day. The older lady went on to explain: Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.
But we didn’t have the “green thing” back in our day. Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags that we reused for numerous things. Most memorable besides household garbage bags was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our school books. This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.
But, too bad we didn’t do the “green thing” back then. We walked up stairs because we didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn’t have the “green thing” in our day.
Back then we washed the baby’s diapers because we didn’t have the throw away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts. Wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days.
Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right; we didn’t have the “green thing” back in our day.
Back then we had one TV, or radio, in the house — not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana.
In the kitchen we blended and stirred by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do everything for us.
When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.
Back then, we didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power.
We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she’s right; we didn’t have the “green thing” back then.
We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blade in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn’t have the “green thing” back then.
Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family’s $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the “green thing.”
We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.
But isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn’t have the “green thing” back then?

-borrowed

Now, as a Gen X person, I cannot say ALL these things were still around in my youth, but a lot of them were. We still had a ‘milk man’ that delivered milk, and the used glass bottles were returned for re-use with every delivery. I can remember taking soda bottles back to the store for money, with which I’d usually get enough for an ice cream cone, which was 15 cents at Thrifty’s. Can you imagine a 10 year old kid walking 10 blocks, pulling a wagon of glass bottles, for 15 cents nowadays? Can you imagine buying a single scoop of ice cream ANYWHERE for 15 cents? I was in high school before my family got a second car (and my mother got a driver’s license). I cannot recall a single time from elementary school through my Junior year of high school (where I ALWAYS used brown paper grocery bags to fabricate book covers!) where I was driven to school. In my senior year my Pops got a company truck, so I inherited his 12 year old International Scout and would drive myself. For a few years in elementary school I did take a school bus, but I walked a few blocks to the bus stop and then home again after drop off. When I needed to go somewhere as a kid, it was on two feet or later, on a bicycle – and of all the bikes I had growing up, only one of them were new, all the others were second-hand. And I used those second-hand bikes to deliver newspapers and to ride out to my Grandmother’s house to mow her lawn… In fact, pretty much every “recreational” thing I had growing up was second-hand. And it was not uncommon to wear hand-me-down clothes either. I didn’t have older siblings, but I got a lot of things passed on from my next door neighbor that was like an older brother to me. And when summer came around we didn’t go out and buy shorts, we cut the pant legs off last year’s school clothes and that was that. Once a month my Boy Scout troop would go door-to-door throughout the neighborhood collecting newspapers to be recycled into – you guessed it – newspaper for printing. We had one TV in the house until my high school days, and it wasn’t until then we had Cable TV. I don’t think my parents had a VCR until after I’d moved out at 19… I used “Thomas Guide” map books as a teenager delivering Pizzas and later as a legal courier. No cell phones, no GPS, just some paper (that never lost signal or ran out of power) and a little common sense.

I consider myself a nature lover and an old school “environmentalist” – as in, don’t litter, leave nothing but footprints, etc. – but this whole “green thing” is mostly hogwash. While some of it may be well intentioned, it is chock full of unintended consequences. As someone much smarter than me once opined – “when factories producing solar panels can run 100% of their production from solar power, I’ll believe it’s a viable, long term solution at scale.” Or something along those lines, that was years ago and Im paraphrasing. And as I far as I know, that has not come anywhere near a reality. Most of the physical waste comes from corporations trying to maximize profits (plastic vs. glass is a prime example) and most of the ‘solutions’ come from government trying to ‘create jobs’ and maximize revenues. After all, providing a solution to a problem that doesn’t exist, or more likely was CREATED by government, is what government does best.

By all means, re-using and re-purposing are fantastic and I think everyone should do this. Walk more, drive less? Absolutely. And reusable grocery bags over plastic? Yeah, I don’t have a problem with that. I just think it would be swell if today’s “greenies” would get off their high horses and recognize that they don’t have all the answers either. In 25 years they will be getting slammed for all the toxic waste from lithium EV batteries, dead and depleted solar panels, poisoned water tables and the fact that our most fertile, food producing land was paved over for “multi-use commercial/residential buildings” in the name of “progress”. We all do the best we can with what we have to work with. Not all ideas are bad just because they’re old, and not all ideas are good just because they are new. In general, I think it’s a good idea to be less wateful and to take care of your things so you maximize their lifespan. Less consumption overall. Simple, right?

Ok, that’s enough of my blathering…

Thanks for stopping by.

First Time in a Looooong Time!

At this moment I’ve got the truck loaded up and I’m on my way to my first drumming gig in a very, very long time.

I feel like I should be nervous, but for some reason I’m not. This band got together in the last week of April and we’ve had 8 or 9 rehearsals so we’re not exactly a well oiled machine, but I think we can at least pull it off without any full-on train wrecks on stage. It’s our first time out, so who knows what will happen?!? I haven’t set foot in this club in a decade (the Quarternote in Sunnyvale, CA) and I NEVER played there before… Fingers crossed!

We’re the 2nd band of the night, playing from 10pm til Midnight and honestly my biggest concern is staying awake… I was up at 5.30am and working in 90 degree heat outside all day has got me more than a little bit whooped!

Say a prayer folks!

Thanks for stopping by 😉

Independence Day 2025

John Adams on the 4th of July:

“It ought to be commemorated, as the Day of Deliverance by solemn Acts of Devotion to God Almighty. It ought to be solemnized with Pomp and Parade, with Shews, Games, Sports, Guns, Bells, Bonfires and Illuminations from one End of this Continent to the other from this Time forward forever more.”

___________________________

This used to be one of my favorite days of the year, a celebration held near and dear to my heart.

Now it feel more like mourning a recently departed loved one.

Where did we go wrong? I suspect there was no ‘one thing’, but a series of events unleashed over the last several decades. Well, more than that – since at least 1913 – long before I (or my parents) were around. And I know, regretfully, that I was complicit in some of our degradation due to my lack of understanding of how the world works and buying in to the many lies we’ve been sold by our so-called “leaders”. For better or worse, my eyes have been pried wide open over the last decade and the rose colored glasses cast aside. We are a nation in turmoil. A runaway train bearing down on a blown out bridge, with the engineer asleep at the wheel. I don’t exactly fear the future, but I am less than optimistic.

I used to think we could all be as one, a childish, impossible fantasy to be sure. Our compassion and willingness to ignore the obvious has brought destruction and misery to our once great nation. Unintended consequences are consequences nonetheless, and ours are legion.

Sadly, the thing most absent in these United States these days is UNITY.

We’ve devolved back into tribalism. Every tribe out for themselves at the expense of every other tribe. That’s what ‘diversity’ has wrought upon us. Diversity is NOT our strength, UNITY is our strength. “A house divided…” and all that. Americans can be all shapes, sizes, creeds and colors, but above ALL, they must believe in the promise that is America. Charlatans, usurpers and communists need not apply.

I still strongly believe that our country has the strongest, most spectacular foundation ever conceived. Unfortunately the “home” built upon that foundation has been decimated by termites, wood bees, dry-rot and mold.

I think the only way forward is to cut our losses, tear down the rotten, irredeemable structure- right down to the Foundation- and rebuild anew, with intense care taken to stop the termites, mold, etc. from taking hold ever again.

I don’t know what my part in that is. I don’t know if it will happen in my lifetime. I just know that dramatic change is needed and it’s going to be painful in some ways. Not everyone is going to make it.

I just hope that someday down the road, I’ll be able to actually CELEBRATE our Independence Day once again and leave our grandchildren a Home to be proud of. I miss being a Proud American, and I know several others that feel the same way. If I’m to never have it again, I at least hope for my progeny to experience it.

May God bless America!

Note To Self…

I’m not really “back”, just putting these in an easily accessible location so I can find them quickly.

For motivation and whatnot…

But hey, if it helps someone else out there, all the better.

Be good to yourselves out there!

Thank You, Goodnight…

I’ll cut right to the chase, I’m taking a powder from the Blog. Not that I’ve exactly been a fount of entertainment or information these last several months…

The truth of the matter is that I had really high hopes for this outlet, and for a while was sincerely enjoying it, but my life has taken a series of unexpected downhill turns over the last two years and as I’m quickly approaching rock bottom I recognize that I need to put all my focus, my energy into rebuilding my life into something I can be proud of and excited about. Currently it’s neither of those things.

When it comes to writing, lately I’ve had nothing… I’ve got several drafts of things that I’ve been working on, meatier subjects and an attempt to go in depth, so to speak, and right now I cannot seem to finish anything. Nor can I seem to find motivation to put out any of the simple, fun stuff like the meme posts or the oddball music stuff that I love so much. It feels like I’m trying to force something that doesn’t belong.

One of my main “rules” for this blog when I started it was that I would not let it become saturated with bitterness and/or hostility. It was to be a break from the doom and gloom, a little beacon of light, some fun and positivity for me to share with whoever should happen to run across my little world here. If I were to write about my daily experiences at this point in life I would be breaking that rule and in a sense tainting what I have tried to accomplish here. Likewise, posting memes and such feels like trying to put on a mask. Anything ‘light’ I attempt to write feels insincere and phony. So after a lot of consideration, I’m putting the whole thing on an indefinite hiatus. Given the fact that today is my birthday, it somehow seems fitting that I make the cut today. It’s always bothered me when I frequent a blog and then is just stops with no explanation. Not that I have that many followers, but I didn’t want to be one of those guys that leaves their audience hanging and just disappears back into the ether.

Part of the motivation for this blog was to have a place for myself to go for jogging my memories, and it’s been great to be able to revisit past concerts or trips and such, but honestly when I come out the other side of this – and I will – I don’t WANT to be able to look back on this time in my life with clarity. I hope and pray it all becomes a blur. But with that said, I’ll post a few last updates for things that have happened over the last few months, so I’ll have a few highlights to look back on while I’m out slaying dragons and putting myself back together…

*The fitness regime is going well. I’m getting to the point of actually seeing a physical change as opposed to just feeling stronger. And I am absolutely feeling stronger these days.

*My “new to me” truck has been holding steady for me for a year now, without too much intervention. I haven’t got nearly as much done on it as I’d hoped to within a year – for reasons – but I have been tinkering here and there when I can. Most recently I rebuilt the rear brake system (first time doing drum brakes solo! It sucked, but now I know I can do it) and replacing sway bar links and bushings (something else I’d never done before). I’ve still got a stack of parts to install, but I’m grateful that she’s been a dependable ol’ girl. I’ve put about 13k miles on her in the last year, bringing the total up to roughly 317k – on the original motor. I’m telling you, they just don’t make ’em like they used to!

*I joined a new band about a month ago. Questionable timing for sure, given my current circumstances. I wasn’t looking, but when these fellas reached out to me, I figured I’d take a swing and here we are. It’s a cover band, which frankly I was not even remotely intersted doing again – been there, done that – but I was also EXTREMELY desperate for an outlet, any outlet that could get me outta my own head every now and again. Drumming is the only thing in the world that shuts out EVERYTHING for me. I need that right now, maybe more than ever. Even if just for a few hours at a time. And for a cover band, their musical selection is WAY more in line with my own musical tastes. No Motown, no Beatles, no lame Top 40 music from the last 5 decades… I’m having fun with it and I’m hoping we’ll be ready for some Summer time gigs soon.

*We adopted a new house rabbit a short while back. He’s a handsome devil – emphasis on Devil – but he’s still very young and as he acclimates to his new home and matures a bit, he should be a good guy to have around. I don’t recall if I’ve mentioned it in these pages here before, but the Mrs. and I have been rabbit people for over 30 years. This new varmint is our 5th House Rabbit, and as a teen I used to raise/breed rabbits at home in outdoor hutches. I guess you could say that I’ve got a soft spot for those long eared galoots.

*I usually do a trip to the record store on my birthday and dig through the racks looking for cool old used CDs, and this year was no exception. It was a great haul this year! 5 CDs and a DVD documentary/concert film of The CLASH, thst I have been wanting to see for a very, VERY long time. And all for just under 24 bucks!

*And lastly, though certainly most importantly, as of about two months ago we now officially have a Son-in-Law. That’s right, our “baby” and her Beau tied the knot back in April! It was an absolutely beautiful affair, held up in Sonoma, CA. If I’m being honest, it was the happiest day of the last decade for me in addition to being the happiest day of my daughter’s life. Just really epic vibes throughout the entire weekend. I sincerely couldn’t be happier for the two of them.

And thus concludes my personal highlights from the first half of 2025…

I want to thank my readers for coming around. True, the engagement wasn’t as I’d hoped it would be, but I blame myself for a total lack of consistency. The story of my life… I have a habit of trying to do too many things simultaneously, and that leads to half-assed results. Instead of focusing and giving my all to a couple of things at a time.

I won’t completely count out the idea of popping in here if something significant pops up along the way, I’m just taking “keeping up with the blog” off my radar to focus in other, considerably more important, areas of my life.

So long, farewell,
Auf Wiedersehen, goodbye. For now at least.

Until we meet again, thanks for stopping by!

Product Review: Bates 8″ Ultralite Tactical Sport Side Zip Military Boot

Let me start by saying I’m not really a “tactical boot” guy. I did have a pair of 5.11 low boots about a dozen years ago, which were actually pretty decent, but this is the first pair of boots in this style I’ve owned, so I don’t have anything else to compare them to.

Not that I’m not a boot wearer, I’ve had many, many pairs of different types over the years. My go-to boot for the last 40 years is the classic Doc Marten boot, the good old 1460. In fact, I’ve got 2 pair of those at home that I still wear routinely, but decided to try something a little different for a change.

During the “Plague” years I went a little overboard on my ‘prepping’ as I’ve discussed here before, and one of the things I went a little crazy on was footwear. Considering everything is manufactured overseas and imports were slow, if at all, I figured a ‘lifetime supply’ of footwear would be a good investment. It’s not like I’m going to keep growing in my mid-50’s, so why not?!?

I purchased a few pair of Doc Marten boots and shoes, several pair of Van’s and because I’d heard good things about Bates and I found a pair on deep discount (sometimes wearing a size 13 gets you a good deal!) I decides to try them out.

I purchased them in January ’22 for $74.89 plus tax, which even then was a screaming deal. Not compared to the USGI “Jungle Boots” I wore as a youth, mind you – I used to pick those up at our local surplus store for $15-20 – but for modern footwear in the 2020’s, boots for under a hundred bucks is a bargain! Then they sat in the closet for about 2 years. Saving them for a rainy day, Zombie Apocalypse, or Mad Max scenario I suppose…

But when I started my new job a year ago, I broke them out. It seemed like a good place to put them to work. And I’m glad I did!

So, for my “review” prep I did some super unscientific data gathering. I picked 4 random weeks over the last year, added up my mileage from my step tracker for each week – Monday through Friday only – added those 4 weeks together, then divided by 4 to get my weekly average, then multiplied that number by 52. The number that I got after a year of work in these boots was 1206.66 Miles. Put into perspective, that is almost the same distance as walking from my house in the SF Bay Area to Amarillo Texas! Now it’s possible I’m a little under/over on the mileage put on these boots, but for the sake of argument, let’s just say I put between 1,200-1,500 miles on them thus far. I didn’t ONLY wear them at work, just primarily.

4 random weeks of walking on the jobsite!

During my review period, temps ranged from high 20’s to a peak day of 107 degrees. Terrain varied considerably, from blazing hot blacktop and concrete to mud and muck, dirt, gravel, ceiling joists in attics, tromping around over construction debris, through pouring rain and the occasional hail storm. A few times, I even tracked through both wild turkey and goat scat in ’em, unfortunately. They’ve pretty much been through everything except snow. And while I’m not a huge guy, I’m no pipsqueak at 6’1″ and averaging 230 lbs. Which is the long way ’round of saying, these boots were not pampered.

Maintenance has been pretty low key… I wipe them down with a damp microfiber towel every couple days and give them a quick polish every two weeks, give or take. (Side note – I’m a big proponent of shoe polishing, but these babys only get the Kiwi “cheater” polish, the liquid stuff with the sponge applicator.) They still have the original laces, since I rarely use them due to the side zippers.

My overall impression of these boots is that they are well made, extremely durable and quite possibly the most comfortable boots I’ve ever worn. No joke.

I was concerned that the zipper would be a weak point, prone to failure, but I’ve had no problems with them whatsoever. There were a few thread ends that popped loose when I first started wearing them, but I snipped them off flush and they did not continue to unthread. I suspect it was just a little excess material from the manufacturing process.

That being said, they’re kinda ugly. I certainly don’t get any style points with them, for sure! They wouldn’t have been appropriate in my previous office jobs, but for a construction gig they are perfectly suited.

On a scale of 1-10, I’d give these Bates boots a solid 9. I only take a point off for two reasons. One, they are a little slippery on slick surfaces, such as polished tile or hardwood floors. Also, due to them being manufactured in Bangladesh, rather than the US. But compared to about $250 for a pair of US made Redwings, I’d say I’ve got my money’s worth out of ’em, and they’ve still got some life left. I might throw a new set of insoles in them, otherwise they are still up to the daily grind. Certainly not ready for retirement!

The soles have taken the bulk of the wear & tear

I just checked ol’ Amazon today, and they are still available for $104.05 as of April 7, 2025. Considerably more than I paid for them, but I’d still consider them a bargain, even at that price.

If you find yourself in need of a GREAT pair of boots and don’t want to break the bank, give these a try. I don’t think you’ll be disappointed!

Thank you Bates for making a solid, reputable product, and thank you Dear Reader, for stopping by!

Spring!

Hi again, it’s been a while…

Not gonna lie, been in a rut. Got too many things to do and not enough time to get ’em done. And yet, nothing that I felt was worth writing about.

Not that it’s been all bad, just not noteworthy.

I’ve only been to one show since my last post – Magic City Hippies at the Fillmore in SF. However, considering I’ve done something like 5 or 6 concert reviews about them on this blog and this was maybe the 10th(?) time we’ve seen them, I don’t really have much else to say. They are STILL gre,at, one of the best live acts out there. Seriously. If you like live music and you get the opportunity, go see them. You won’t regret it.

I also was surprisingly reunited with a dear old friend – one of my groomsmen as a matter of fact – that “fell off the radar” some 30 years ago and I haven’t seen or heard from since! We had a nice talk on the phone and he was coming to town from out of state, so we met up for lunch a few days later and it was fantastic. It really gave me a sense of joy that my feeble vocabulary can’t articulate. I’ve really come to appreciate old friends as I’ve grown old but it’s rare that I see mine, as we’re now scattered clear across the country. In different directions. I’m the only dumb sap that still lives in the area where we all grew up. Unfortunately it no longer even closely resembles the place of our youth and there isn’t much to draw them back here for a visit.

Such is life.

Still have a pile of parts to replace on my truck, but between the full to-do list and the absolutely crap weather we’ve been having these last couple months, I’ve not been terribly excited about doing the work.

But now SPRING is officially here, and today I felt pretty invigorated. Had a productive day at work, then came home and put in a couple hours of chorin’ , now throwing this little note out there just to pet you all know I’m still alive and kicking!

Hopefully the change in seasons will bring a change in output here on the old Blogstead.

Happy Spring. See you soonish.

Go call an old friend.

Thanks for stopping by.

Out of Sight, Out of (my) Mind!

This weekend the Mrs. was on a girls’ trip with our daughter, so I was left to my own devices and for some reason I decided to be productive. What was I thinking???

I started out simple enough, just a little organization stuff that was long overdue, then Sunday morning I decided to take a whack at our ‘extras’ closet that was LONG overdue… And the next thing you know, 6 HOURS had gone by!

This closet – really an alcove, but I threw a curtain over it and thus dubbed it a closet – is where I’ve been storing a lot of my “prepping” stuff since about 2012 and during “the Plague” years, especially early on when nobody really knew what was going on or what was coming, I STUFFED that closet with everything I figured was important should things go completely sideways.

On the surface, not a bad idea. BUT! I didn’t have anything organized and I didn’t inventory anything. If something I thought I might need became available, I bought it and stuffed it in the closet.

Fast forward a few years and Holy cow! I had stuffed every square inch of that space, had no idea what I had and couldn’t find anything without an ordeal.

On Sunday, I put an end to the madness!

On the bright side, I discovered I have more #10 cans of freeze dried goods than I realized. And I have a TON of first aid stuff, a lot more than I thought I had. On the downside, I have way too many bottles of hydrogen peroxide, and waaaaay too many kitchen sponges. These latter things primarily because everything was so disorganized I bought multiples not realizing I already had those things.

And happily I found some things I COMPLETELY forgot about!

It wasn’t fun, but it was time well spent. Time I SHOULD’VE spent two years ago! Better late than never I suppose.

Last but not least, it inspired me to get off my keister and keep the cleanup and organization going.

It’s great to have “stuff” in emergency situations, but its way better if you know what you have and where it is!

Anyhow, that’s about it for today. This year got off to a rough start with illness in the family, a rather unpleasant injury and the loss of a beloved pet, but this little project felt like my shell cracking and letting me get back to life.

Thanks for stopping by!